Today, no matter which way we shake it, life will be changed yet again!
This afternoon we head to the ultrasound for our fourth child.
It is a terrifying thought.
The last time we walked into an ultrasound room we were filled with excitement, joy, and great anticipation of our third child. We left that room shaken to our core, and filled with grief.
Today we will enter that room again. Our naivity is gone. And I know that from the moment we walk in that room, our life will be forever changed.
Do I dare hope to hear that heartbeat? No. I cannot.
I have to brace myself for the fact that this child, too, could already be in heaven alongside our Caleb. It is a daunting thought.
Granted, life could be changed for the better. It is possible to walk in and hear a heartbeat and see the tiny image of our fourth child. I am aware of that. My heart will not let me hope for it.
For many women the second the tiny lines appear on the stick, or the words 'pregnant' pop up, you are instantly connected to a human being whom is smaller than a grain of sand. For those who have experienced loss, a wall goes up. A wall attempting to protect that mother's heart whom has once been broken. A heart that aches for the baby or the babies that never made it to the delivery room screaming.
So today, life is changed.
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