35 Weeks

We are so close, yet so far it seems from D-day.

To know that this little one inside is kicking, moving, and alive is a wonderful feeling (unless she's kicking my right ribs - which seem to be her favorite these days).

It is also a daunting thought to know that something inside could still go horribly wrong. The moments where she is hiccuping or kicking frantically my mind but can't but wonder if she's ok in there. Is she just having a dance party on mommy's bladder, or is she struggling with that darn umbilical cord that took the life of her older brother? My mind but can't help but wonder, What's going on in there? Is she safe? Will she be safe and alive when I wake up the next morning? Will she come our kicking and screaming? Or lifeless like her brother?

There are moments where I just want her here, in my arms so desperately it hurts. I remember that ache we felt just less than a year ago. An ache in my arms for my third son, and ache to hold cradle, love and rock my sweet baby. That ache is still there for him, but is now filled with a hope that I may finally have that ache fulfilled by my little girl. Which makes me wanting her here right now, in this moment, so tempting.

To know that she could technically survive outside of the womb at this point is very tempting. The hormonal changes and irrational thoughts take over here. Yes, I realize that. Thankfully I have a sane husband who talks me out of these moments almost nightly. He brings the light of reality and truth that this hormonal irrational momma begins thinking as soon as the sun goes down.

Patience, it's a virtue, and one that I am trying to attain.