Ultrasound

As we walked into the ultrasound room, I could have easily puked. First trimester morning sickness, combined with the knowledge of what can go wrong in those tiny rooms had my stomach in knots!

The office thankfully was able to grant my request of a different ultrasound room. The thought of walking into the very same room where we learned of Caleb's death was just too much for me to handle. It was a daunting task in and of itself to walk back into a ultrasound room within 5 months of losing Caleb, let along the same room.

From the second the ultrasound started I was in tears. Tears for the anticipation of the news we were about to hear.

I jumped to conclusions way to soon, and immediately saw an empty circle. I said, "That doesn't look right" and began to sob. The ultrasound tech immediately stopped me and said I didn't go to ultrasound school and that I would drive myself nuts for the remainder of the pregnancy if I continued to think like that. Then, she proceeded to find the heartbeat. And there was one. I sobbed even harder.

I wish I could say as we left that room my nerves were calmed. They weren't. The realization that this would be a pregnancy filled with worry and fear sunk in. This was going to be 9 mos filled with lots of emotions as we continue to grieve the child we lost, and fear for the child whom we hope to hear screaming in a delivery room.