THE Ultrasound

We've had four ultrasounds. Four. You'd think that this would get easier. Tomorrow is THE ultrasound. The halfway, all important ultrasound. It is typically the one where most parents fret over if they should find out the gender of their baby. For us though, it's the ultrasound where we will hold our breath until we hear the heartbeat.

That's all I ask for. A heartbeat.

I know they will measure her head, and check over her entire body IF and only if there is a heartbeat though. That is the first and only concern we have for tomorrow.

Having walked the road of seeing a curled up baby on the monitor with no heartbeat, that will be my prayer tonight as I lay awake.

Our first ultrasound I sobbed at the sound of it. Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll do the same.

Our last ultrasound 5 weeks ago revealed that our fourth baby was a girl. I would have cried, except I was smiling too large for any tears to well up. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I sobbed over our little girl, and the thought that once again she's not mine. She is HIS, just like my other 3 boys. In the few weeks since finding out I could shop in the pink section of stores I have been estatic, and holding myself back from buying everything I have ever dreamed of buying for my little girl. Yes, my little bundle of pink.

Then, the daunting thought and the shadow of loosing our Caleb has hit. The realization that she too could meet our Maker before I could ever meet her is a gut wrenching thought. The pleas with God over letting me care for her on this earth are great and daunting all in the same breath. Me, care for a girl? A little precious delicate girl? I'll have to do her hair, I'll be her role model, Wow, what a monumental task. Granted, a task I have asked for, begged for, and pleaded for. Now, it's a reality.