God Gave us Heaven

The boys have randomly asked questions about heaven and/or Caleb over the last few weeks. We have answered them as they have come, and haven't gone out of our way to discuss the loss of their baby brother.

While picking up a book for myself at Focus on the Family the other day I stopped in the children's section to glance over some books for the boys about heaven. As much as I would prefer to lock myself in a closet and grieve the loss of Caleb by myself and not share him with a single person, I understand that is not reality. The reality is that God allowed us to share him with the world while he still had a heartbeat. And we wanted to. We were so excited over his impending arrival and the addition to the family we couldn't contain our joy.

And now this means we have to share his loss with everyone as well, including our boys.

As much as I wish we could protect our boys from this aspect of life, I also know we are teaching them so many things thru this process. We are showing them our faith in God while walking thru the valley. We are showing them how to grieve, and how to miss someone we never really knew. We are teaching them the sanctity of life and that each person is a valuable member of society, no matter how small. We are teaching them all the parts of this grieving mess, the good, the bad, and the very ugly.

Death is a hard concept, especially for little kids. Heck, it's a hard concept for me as an adult. While it's enough to hold myself together on a regular basis, I often wonder how much are the boys still dealing with. Are they too trying their best to just get thru each day? And more so, how can I as a parent help them grieve the loss of their brother, when they don't have words for their feelings?

I browsed thru over 10 books that I thought may help the boys verbalize thier emotions better, and picked out three. The first one we read the other night. Or maybe I should clarify, I started and Dan finished. I couldn't make it all the way thru. I am foolish for thinking I could complete it. The subject just hits too close to home these days.

In God Gave Us Heaven, Papa bear answers question after question to the little cub about heaven. "How do I get there? Will I see you? Do we eat in heaven? Papa bear does a wonderful job assuring readers that it will all be ok because God gave us a wonderful place where there will be no more sadness or sickness.

The reality of Caleb's new home became such a daunting reality while trying to read. If he is there, then he's not with me. A selfish thought I know, but the ache of my empty arms was overwhelming while trying to read. I was so thankful for my backup to complete the story.

As I sat there and wept Nathan reached up and wiped the tears from eyes, which of course made them fall even faster. I hugged my boy tight, as if to satisfy the ache in my arms, and grieve the loss of our little Caleb. Nathan continued to wipe my eyes and love on me as Dan completed the book. It was as if God himself was there hugging, loving, and wiping away each tear letting me know that "God gave me heaven." He gave me heaven so that one day we could be together as a family, so that one day my arms wouldn't ache, so that there would be a day without tears, or sadness, or loss. He gave me heaven, and that's my comfort and my hope. It's what I have to hold on to when my arms ache.