Carpe Diem

Shortly after the loss of Caleb the carpe diem phase surfaced. I am not sure if this is really a defined phase of grief, but it was a phase of mine. Overnight each day held a brand new adventure all it’s own, and I was charge over it. To see the joy in my boys’ faces was magnificently beautiful and in my new carpe diem phase I began to say yes for just a taste of it on my lips. It was my new addiction. Much like chocolate, just a sampling of it could lasts me for hours and I’d do just about anything to get it.

Carpe diem – lets go fly kites. Carpe diem - lets go for ice cream. Carpe diem – lets play with legos for hours. Carpe diem – sure you can have a cookie for breakfast. Carpe diem – drive fast with the radio loud and windows down. Carpe diem – let’s soak in as many magnificently beautiful things that a day could hold.  

The problem – my kids became brats overnight. They sensed mommies’ new outlook on life, and ran with it full speed ahead. It was a slap of reality. I was still a mommy to two little boys who needed my attention, my full attention to be exact. They didn’t just need carpe diem mommy, they needed their real mommy: the mommy who loves and disciplines.

In the midst of grieving it was hard to be the disciplinarian. My heart hurt enough without having to discipline my kids and see them cry. It was difficult to be their mommy, and not just the fun one who said yes to everything. Everything about grief is difficult, and then to add the responsibility of motherhood on top of that. A responsibility that reminded me of what I had just lost. Insurmountable.

It was than I had to ask for strength from the only One who could give it to me.

Strength to fully be present with my boys.

Strength to love my boys with the discipline they needed.

Strength to breathe each day in and savor the moments.