No words

There are no words that can adequately describe the day our son was brought into this world and we were faced with the reality that he was already really in heaven. It was one of the most surreal, yet peaceful things I have ever experienced.

The Dr's had prepared Dan and I for a long and treacherous delivery, so we were all slightly shocked when after 12 hrs true labor pains started. By 7am Wed. morning we thought for sure that our precious angel baby would arrive soon and very soon. As the physical pains of labor increased, the reality of the situation became undeniable. This baby was coming, and I would be face to face with a child that I would never know this side of heaven. Panic mode and pure grief over the delivery of my sweet baby boy set in.

Dan made the calls and texts to family that the time was drawing near, and prayers were needed. About that time the epidural kicked in and the labor halted. Baby boy was breach and ultimately stuck. Time to sit and wait.

What a gift of time that wait was. During those following few hours we talked, prayed, cried, and laughed and of course watched a few episodes of Friends.  For some reason that's the one show that has always been on when we have been in the hospital delivering our boys. It's now become a running joke, and a means to ease the tension of the impending delivery.

It was during this time though that we ultimately came to peace with our youngest son's death. We were ready to welcome him into this world physically and grieve the loss of ever having him present with us on Earth.

As verse after verse flooded my mind, and hymn after hymn rang in my ears, I couldn't help but sing Natalie Grant's song, "Held." I have turned to this song time and time again, and even referred it to several friends on occasion, but never truly grasp how much you can feel held by the Savior. After hours of singing excepts of the song in my head I finally looked it up on my phone and listened to it a few times. I even posted it on facebook. Within minutes of being Held, Caleb was born. And as friends from all over posted their loving thoughts and prayers for us we looked at our son and grieved the loss of ever hearing that precious first cry.