Saying Goodbye

"I look to the hills. Where does my help come from? The Maker of heaven and earth."

When we first found out we were pregnant Dan and I joked frequently about getting a room with a view in the hospital. Since moving to Colorado, Pikes Peak has been a constant reminder of God's  greatness, majesty, and presence in our lives. As we sat in our hospital room this week we quoted Scripture constantly, primarily Psalms 121:1&2. As we spent our precious time on earth with Caleb on Thursday morning, with Pikes Peak in view, we knew God was with us each difficult step in this journey. 

On Thursday morning when I awoke from the drugs of the previous day I knew I needed to hold Caleb. It was not something I particularly wanted to do, but knew I needed to do.

With my previous two boys I remember the lioness-like desire for my newborn. The desire fueled by raging hormones that could have fought down anyone standing in between me and my newborn. The desire was there again for my sweet Caleb, but in a unique way. This time the emotion was partnered with sadness, fear, and anxiety over seeing my son, and knowing it would be the only moments on earth I would get with him.

I moved from the bed to a chair, and placed a pillow on my lap. I wasn't sure if my arms would let me embrace the tiny, frail body of my son completely, and the fluff of the pillow could support the 2.8 ounces wrapped in the blanket just in case I couldn't. The pillow, in some ways, would also create the illusion for me of a full term baby.

The nurse came in and handed Caleb to me and I could feel his precious body beneath the blanket. Scared by the realness of the moment, I laid him on the pillow.

Dan and I both sobbed. We shed so many tears that morning, the majority falling on the footprint covered blanket of the hospital.

As the weeping subsided I couldn't shake the urge to talk to him. To share a lifetime full of stories and promises that he would never experience or hear. To share with him of his two older brothers, his wonderful grandparents and his incredible daddy. He needed to hear this. I needed to say it. He was loved and would be loved for our lifetime. He would have had a wonderful life on this earth filled with lots of love and no shortage of laughter.

He also needed to hear and I needed reminded of Jesus love for him, and for me. It was the first song I sang to each of my children, and it would be Caleb's first and last lullaby as well, "Jesus Loves Me." In that moment, as he sat on the Father's lap, I'm sure he smiled and laughed as he already knew that. "Silly mommy, I'm here with Him now" I could almost hear him say.

Shortly thereafter, we handed him back to the Lord, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. While we placed him in the nurses hands, we knew he was ultimately in the Lord's. 

 I prayed for this child, 

and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 

So now I give him to the LORD.

I Samuel 1:27, 28

Caleb Wood Hacker 3.21.12